I’ve deleted the original blog and all 4+ years worth of content.
I don’t think I’ll be blogging here again. As someone who suffers from severe anxiety and is trying to help myself, I never wanted my personal blog where I sometimes talked about fun comics to become a target on my back for bullies who taunted me with things I already thought about myself.
Things like I am alone, I’m stupid, I’m egotistical, I’m not really a good writer, I spew nonsense, I’m not good enough, I’m deluded
I don’t know anything.
I struggle with thinking of myself in positive terms. I started the Turdle/Beingfullmetal account four years ago as a way to keep in touch with my mom when I went to college. I wanted to blog about fun things, I wanted to post pretty pictures and stuff about things I liked and personal accounts about my day.
I did not and do not want to be a BNF. I don’t want to interact with fandom at large. I don’t want people being vile to me simply because they can, and they don’t care about the stability of my mental health or my ability to hear this over and over again. I’d like to say that a few bad apples can’t ruin a fandom for me, but that’s absolutely not true. I don’t want to participate here anymore. I can’t enjoy this. I don’t enjoy cringing every time I post, I don’t enjoy the fact that they probably had side-blogs and followed me there, I don’t want to stay up late and turn those words over in my mind again and again.
I did not and do not want to be a part of a fandom like that. I just wanted to talk with my friends and enthuse about a thing I loved. I wanted to tell my mother at 18 I missed her, and now at 21, I wanted her to smile when I forgot to call.
And you know what? The nice people I’ve met, the talking to my mom, the fun I have reblogging or posting comics and smiling about it? — it’s not worth it for all this shit. It’s just not. I wish I could say it was, but I can call my mom, I can talk to my friends in private, I can go other places and do other things. This is no longer about me “holding out” so I win against some bullies. It’s not about me taking the higher road, or hoping they go away, or reporting them for harassment and watching my complaints be ignored.
It comes down to this: I simply don’t enjoy it anymore here. I don’t care if that gives them self-satisfaction. I really don’t. I’m tired, and worn out, and I’m closing shop.